You… OFF MY PLANET!

My Uncle Mike passed on Tuesday, and I’m still unable to process the news. He was always the big man who seemed like Atlas, holding up the world. I remember him, with my brother perched on his shoulders, impervious of all around him. That will always be the way I remember him. I wasn’t able to speak English with any sort of proficiency at that point, but I was good at emulating. I heard my cousins call him “dad”, and decided that was a good thing to call him…he chuckled when he heard me, sat me down and patiently explained to me what the word meant. In that moment I think I loved him…the time he took to correct me, without embarrassing me. He may have been a coarse man to most, beer guzzling country boy type. To me, he will always remain that man who took his time to talk to me. And as we were never close, I never thought his passing would affect me this much. Standing at his viewing, seeing him in a box, waxy complexion, death making his mark on him…I was overwhelmed with the sensation of loss. He was the Atlas, the one who could hold up the world…he couldn’t be the same frail old man in that box. But these are my memories, my recollections, and even though he was as imperfect as any human, he was my uncle, someone whom I cared for from afar.

My cousin sang one last song to him…her voice rang out, reverberating into everyone’s psyche. I felt her pain, her loss, as acutely as I felt the surrounding, the surreality of it all. I felt every choked back tear, every swallowed sob, and I felt the projection of it all. I savored each stab of pain, because It reminded me I was still here, still alive, that I wasn’t numb and I was still capable of feeling. and I cried for each tear held back, and I sobbed for each swallowed.

I miss my family, my boys, my little girl, my wife – knowing my time with them isn’t unlimited. I watched as my aunt caressed her husband for the last time, and wondered whether there was anything left unsaid between them – and I want to never have a sense of regret, to think there was more to say.

There has been too many deaths in my circle lately…and I feel rage…and perhaps I shouldn’t, perhaps I should accept that it is a normal part of a life cycle…perhaps.

~ciao

a soul drifted out of my life today, as quietly as she’s always been. i think of her quite often as her unassuming mannerisms have always accompanied me and remained a constant reminder of true strength. while the world saw her as a meek and mild japanese woman, i saw someone who’s survived grief, illnesses, and death of those closest to her. she carried herself with a quiet dignity, and from her, i learned sometimes not saying something achieves more than acutally saying it. i have no method of communication with her…we don’t speak the same language, and can only understand very little of the words we do speak to each other. yet…i feel her as deeply as i would someone i’ve shared soul shattering conversations with.

in a way she had been preparing me for this day. years ago, she gave me a beautiful pendant. it was a simple design…two pearls interlocked with a ruby on the clasp. it was something she designed, drawn, and had it made especially for me. the simplicity belied the beauty of it…and reminded me so much of her. through translation, she told me that while she may not always be here, she wants me to always remember her in the good times…as someone who loved me, cared for me, and held me in her heart.

even as cancer ravaged her body, it never dimmed her sense of humor, nor her outlook on life. through her own trials, she continued to put others first because it was just her way.

she’s gone now and no longer hurting. i suppose that’s what i should be truly thankful for. i want to celebrate her life, more than mourn her death…but find myself unable to right now. maybe tomorrow…

i loved her and will always know she loved me. i’ll miss you yi-po.

~ciao

death puts life in perspective. what is important…and is it really important? was everything that needed to be said…said? when you are forced from this world suddenly, can you turn around and realize no regrets?

what is the right path to walk down…and when do you realize that you may have chosen the wrong one? maybe a better question would be is there a wrong path? life is a collection of experiences, a conglomerate of people, and a web of dreams that may or may not have come true.

live for today for you know not what tomorrow brings…

~ciao

watching starwars II at the moment…ever realize that the surpreme chancellor palpatine is similar to our current commander in chief? they use deception to be elected to positions of power. they use ruse and lies to gain the confidence of the weak minded…and to them, they’re doing good work…

to whom? the chancellor built a republic around his lies, and darkness…the president has built the country around his lies and his cronies…unfortunately, we don’t have the jedis to come and rescue us common folks…i wonder how long it would be before someone tries a mind trick on us through the television?

- news anchor fades in…”we now have an important message from our president”
- president appears in the oval office: “do not attempt to adjust your television set…i am your president…now and forever…you will all vote for me again…YOU WILL ALL VOTE FOR ME AGAIN!!!!!”
- …news fades to black…

we’re doomed if he’s the one our children looks up to…we’re all doomed if any more like him gets into office. we’ve already lost the respect of the world…at what point do we start losing respect for ourselves because we were the ones who allowed him there?

~ciao

friday night saw us at a show that’s off…off…waaaayyy off broadway. made in taiwan stars michelle krusiec. it’s a one person show…only props are two small ottoman seats and some metal strips hanging from the ceiling for sound effects.

i think it struck a chord with me…the ambivlence of loving your parents, but not being able to take them…of knowing that no matter how hard you try, and no matter how well you think you do, you’re still good for nothing in their eyes. i’ve struggled for years, trying to make them proud, trying to have them see me in a different light. one little compliment uttered to someone else that i hear in passing can keep me deliriously happy for days…but the questions is why? why is nothing i do good enough? why is a compliment like “oh she’s a good girl” enough to keep me smiling for days? why should that be?

i’ve fought an internal battle so ferocious that i’m not sure i’ve emerged whole…but i still struggle to present myself.

maybe that’s why it’s so exhausting to see my parents, to be with them. knowing that they see me through tainted vision. the strength to try and keep up a facade…i did it for so long i didn’t know how to be any other way. now i’ve gained a certain measure of independence (and it’s about time too right, i’m 31 this july) - i don’t have it in me to keep it up anymore. i’ve more often than not just blown it off and said fuck it.

eh…just a few thoughts…

~ciao

two people touch, their fingers entertwine, as the songstress temps the night air with her melodic voice. each note daring for something spectacular on this one of the most special of nights…

i sat there and watched the couple next to us - they weren’t anyone special, at least not to me. two older people, probably wiser than i or my love - we were part of a sold out audience watching audra mcdonald magically deliver familiar songs from movies of old. what set this couple apart, was a simple act that i observed so seldom among people today. she reached over to him, and he opened his hand receptively as alexis often does to me when i reach for her. they held hands, touched, and as if the brief contact allowed them enough sustain for the next few moments. they would do this periodically, open palmed or fingers entertwined, they would look into each other’s eyes, and it was as if the concert was just for them.

maybe this is a good omen for the coming year…i held onto alexis’s hand, never breaking contact for longer than a few moments at a time…maybe it will be the contact, and in essence, the love that will make this year better than the last…what else could we possibly look forward to if not something better?

amidst the deaths, the wars, the hatred, and the violence that is legitimately sanctioned by governments that tell us they’re fighting for our good…something has got to change…it has to…to continue this way…isn’t that the destruction of man…destruction of all that we held dear?

here is to a happy, prosperous, and healthy new year for me and mine, and for you and yours…

~ciao

facing with a decision that is life altering…do you follow your head or your heart. what is right and what is wrong tread blurred lines…

on the cusp of a decision that will change life as i know it…

will i make the right one…

~ciao