You… OFF MY PLANET!

friday night saw us at a show that’s off…off…waaaayyy off broadway. made in taiwan stars michelle krusiec. it’s a one person show…only props are two small ottoman seats and some metal strips hanging from the ceiling for sound effects.

i think it struck a chord with me…the ambivlence of loving your parents, but not being able to take them…of knowing that no matter how hard you try, and no matter how well you think you do, you’re still good for nothing in their eyes. i’ve struggled for years, trying to make them proud, trying to have them see me in a different light. one little compliment uttered to someone else that i hear in passing can keep me deliriously happy for days…but the questions is why? why is nothing i do good enough? why is a compliment like “oh she’s a good girl” enough to keep me smiling for days? why should that be?

i’ve fought an internal battle so ferocious that i’m not sure i’ve emerged whole…but i still struggle to present myself.

maybe that’s why it’s so exhausting to see my parents, to be with them. knowing that they see me through tainted vision. the strength to try and keep up a facade…i did it for so long i didn’t know how to be any other way. now i’ve gained a certain measure of independence (and it’s about time too right, i’m 31 this july) - i don’t have it in me to keep it up anymore. i’ve more often than not just blown it off and said fuck it.

eh…just a few thoughts…

~ciao

me…i’ve never thought i’d amount to much. despite all the expectations, i was content to not be ordinary…but not to be extraordinary either. being extraordinary meant that i was going to stand out…i never wanted to stand out, only to fit in. i remember going to school…hoping no one will notice me, and that i can just be like everyone else.

i’m not sure what’s making me think of it…i often remember elementary school, where i prayed to wake up and be accepted. through middle school where i tried even harder, gave up myself and hoped that they would see me as one of them…even through highschool, where i finally found my niche of friends.

i have 5 friends, who i would trust with my life, no questions asked…and yet, i watch them when we’re all together, and wonder whether they really like me or just hangs out with me because i’m someone who was sort of always there…i was always the awkard one…though i don’t know whether they’ve ever noticed.

i know they love me…or they wouldn’t put up with my bull…but my confidence level just wanes unexpectedly…maybe i’ll never feel like i fully fit in…*shrug*

whatever

~ciao

i guess since the incredible success of youtube, there are bound to be copycats…here’s one from…where else? china… =)

just two kids singing…or rather doing the melody to a strange song…it’s nice though…good vocals…