You… OFF MY PLANET!

many of you know i’ve got a vacation coming up in mid-january. a lot of feelings surface with the trip…

fine, i’ve been to taiwan before…for that leg, it’s mostly excitment. i’m excited to see my family again, to eat the food, to see people…to just hang out and relax for 2 weeks. i miss my family, though i do speak to them often (weekly if i can help it), i suppose it’s just not the same.

but china…it’s a different story.

i dont’ know if i can explain it…and it’s times like these i think english is a woefully inadequate language.

i’ve never been to china…it was never “home” per se. starting from a young age, as a taiwanese born kid, everyone’s dream was to “take back” china…as if we were to original rightful owners…to “free” our fellow chinese people. china was always a part of the imagination, somewhere that i’ve read about, but never really given much thought on. what i suppose i never really paid mind to was the simple fact that my roots sprang from there. my grandparents met and married there, my oldest aunt was born there, and my grandfather’s family still live in the countryside. it’s a vast country that i’m at once familiar with (through books, novels, pictures, television, etc), and a stranger to. what are my feelings going to be when i set foot into beijing for the first time. to see the architecture of my ancestors…to see my heritage first hand…to know where my people came from, went through to reach now. i wonder if i’ll have the same feeling as i do sometimes when i walk off the plane in taiwan…that feeling of being…”home”. i wonder what my senses will tell me when i’m standing in the midst of the forbidden city…looking at palaces of emperors past. the good, bad, and the ugly that transpired within the walls of that city…it’s all part of history…my history…my heritage. or maybe i’m being too melodramatic as usual.

sometimes i find myself tearing slightly at the thought of visiting some of the place i’ve only read about in books…that i’ve only seen in pictures. my brother said when i reached some part of mount everest, he cried without even knowing that he was. mainly because he felt so small…and so in awe of the beauty that was around him. will i feel the same? to see the architecture of people past, and feel how in awe i am about everything?

i’m not sure if i dread the trip, or if i’m so excited it feels like dread. there’s a saying in chinese…translated it essentially means that the close you are to homeland, the more afraid of it you become. it’s meant for people who’ve been away from home for so long that they’re afraid to return…afraid to face the change, the people, to see all that’s now different as compared to memory. i suppose i have a mental picture of what china looks like…and maybe what i’m really afraid of is being disappointed…of seeing that starbucks around the corner from the palace…or the mcdonalds right next to temple gates…(though let me tell you…that starbucks will be lovely in the morning when i just need a good hot cup of tea.) everything is more real now…we got the plane tickets…we got hotel booked in shanghai already…now we’re just waiting for beijing hotel and the flight from beijing to shanghai. with every passing day we are a step close to a land that’s so ingrained in me.

i feel so conflicted about it…i wish i can explain it better…

like i said though, on the other hand i’m excited to no end about going back to taiwan…i miss my grandparents…they’re always in my thoughts…i can’t wait to just see them…not to mention my two little munchkins…

that’s it for now…

~ciao

one of my best friends got married today. i’ve always known that he loved tai…but it’s just so evident today that you have to be blind not to see it. it’s in every look he gave her, every touch. i watched it all, through the vows, the ‘respect and obey” that we all laughed at, through the absolute chaos that threw all the planning out the window…it’s quite amusing actually. alexis on the other hand didn’t have too good a time with the old indian lady who seemed to have it out for her. the lady would push and shove her…and pretty much only her…it was actually kind of amusing.

okay, so the pic with the happy couple:

while watching all of this happening…i wonder whether it’s something that we should go through. my friends would attend…and be happy for us…but what then? my family…her family. it’s what would make us happy…nothing would make me more thrilled than to spend the rest of my life with her. but on the other hand, i don’t want to force our relationship on other people. maybe i’m over-worrying. i love my alexis. there’s really only that i should worry about. her love for made me able to look into the mirror and face myself. maybe that’s too melodramatic…but have you ever had someone that just made you…i don’t know, feel stronger? like even if you threw out there the most outrageous idea, at least one person in the world would support you…being silly i suppose…

okay, let me stop befor i step up on my soap box.

~ciao

today, a friend left her position at work. i found out yesterday. here’s the funny thing. i never really considered her a friend…just a girl i knew at work, who i speak to on occasion. however, it seems that when someone is leaving the company, all of a sudden, you forget all the stupid shit that happened between the two of you in the years past, and you only remember the jokes you’ve shared…it’s stupid if you really think about it. she got all teary eye’d when she hugged me goodbye, and told me she’ll miss me terribly. of course i told her the same thing…for the most part only to be nice. she was cool…just not really my type of person to hang out with. i’ve always wondered about her though…on more than one occasion, she’s been all touchy feely with me…funny isn’t it?

can’t help but think back to high school…you know, right before you graduate. no matter how much you hated someone, all of a sudden when you’re leaving school, everyone is your friend…you had fond memories of everyone…even though you hated that person for4 years. if you read back in your old yearbook, how many entries say “i’m going to miss you…you were such a good friend…we’ll definitely get together and hang out!” let’s break down that sentence:

i’m going to miss you - okay, why would you miss me? you never spoke to me in the last 4 years we went to the same school…as a matter of fact, you and i hated each other and did everything we could to avoid each other in a school of less than 1000. so why the hell would you miss me again?

you were such a good friend - okay…you and i have spoken on a handful of occasions…we are acquaintences at best…never friends. why are you calling me a good friend?!

we’ll definitely get together and hang out - yeah…let’s go with that idea. i can’t stand to be in the same room as you for longer than 2 minutes at one time…you think i’m going to voluntarily call you, or answer your call…and subject myself to your mindless drivel?! hang out…more like i’d hang you from the nearest tree and go out to have a drink myself…

but alas, i gave her a hug…rubbed her arm and told her good luck with everything that she’s going to in the future…and don’t forget to give me a call if she’s in the neighborhood and we’ll go grab a bite to eat…or a drink…funny isn’t it? or is it hypocritical? at what point do you look at yourself in the mirror and call yourself a liar??

something to chew on?

~ciao