The last time she walked away from me, I stood in place, silent, watching, reminiscing, all the times past, all the pain, all the sorrow, all the laughter, all the joy. Everything rolled into this one moment. She looked back, as astonished as I was that I didn’t give chase. I smiled sadly, and just stared. I fought the urge to cry out, to beg her to stop as I always did. This time I stood firmly my ground. The pain isn’t less, just different…as if deep down I knew it was time to let go. The three years past flooded my senses, and I savor each moment before I file it all away in a part of me that’s reserved only for me. After all, what’s transpired between us, the good, the bad, the laughter and the tears, no one will understand except for us. So I said goodbye, the best way I knew how. I turned my back and walked the other way. The road that lies behind me I have forgiven, but I will never forget. What lies beneath the surface of us I will never tell. The road ahead will present its challenges, as inevitable as life itself.
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This was something I started quite a few years ago. I’ve found it once again, and though I tried to complete it, I find that I am unwilling, or unable to do so.
The last time I thought about her, I remembered the good. But what I most always vividly recall was the sheer intensity of my feelings, and the utter despair. Thinking of it now, three years after the fact, the downward spiral started early, and continued throughout. What kept me in that place I will never know, or fully understand. Maybe it was a lack of self esteem, or…I don’t know. What I can deduce now, is what started as love, turned into obsession, and from obsession, it became self-destructive. My best friend joked once that I have no concept of a healthy relationship…and I think she’s right…or at least at that point. I’ve tried hard to understand my frame of mind then. I’ve scoured the pages of my journals to find an answer. Unfortunately, I’ve come upon none. She wasn’t my first love, nor was she the last. But she was the one that I felt I needed to help the most. Maybe it was a god complex…maybe it was a redemption thing…as if I helped her reclaim herself, I had a chance at filling the void in my life. What I did was allowed myself to be pulled into a spiral of desperation and despair…so much so, I made myself ill. I pictured myself as a martyr, sacrificing myself, my love for her happiness. She, in turn, took that…and ran with it. I watched as she betrayed my love for her and became intimate with another. I remember the humiliation handed to me as she came to me after having been intimate with a man, and wanting to with me. I remember watching her enter into matrimony with another. I remember attending the wedding (and I have pictures to prove it), and I remember thinking…as long as she’s happy, I’ll be okay…and if we can’t be together in this life, we’ll be in the next. Now, years later, I think…well, now I think “what the hell was I thinking??!!” Maybe it wasn’t her fault…maybe she needed the love as much as I needed to give it…maybe her motives were truer than I will ever realize. But I will never know.
I now look back on the three years I spent with her, part as her friend, part as her lover, wholly as her emotional crutch, and I am astounded. The levels that I based myself to, the choices that I had made…it all seems surreal. It’s as if this was a page out of the “what not to do with your life” book…and I demonstrated it to perfection. I remember turning away for the last time, both figuratively, and realistically…knowing that I was closing a chapter in my life that I will always remember…it was perhaps the most difficult decision…and the easiest. I remember the sigh of relief, and the weight seemed to have just…lifted. The road ahead of me stretched on…and I knew that what happened from there on, I will take away from this relationship something I learned about myself…I am a true romantic…with a side of masochism. But it’s an experience I will not soon repeat…
I spoke with her about a year ago…just to catch up I suppose…she had called and wanted to know about the happenings in my life…she mentioned that she was divorced (or annulled, whichever you prefer), and was dating someone else…she mentioned that she told him about her gf (meaning me)…I was taken aback. Three years I was with her and she never once acknowledged our relationship as such. I suppose deep down I felt as if I wasn’t good enough…maybe that’s why I stuck around as well, to prove that I was…so now…I was a gf…go figure. I had to be completely broken in order to be acknowledged. So that was pretty much it. I left it alone, and haven’t spoken much with her since. I honestly wish her well…even though I came out of this with a million bumps and bruises, I also learned a lot about who I am, and what I’m capable of. Life is a collage of experiences, and I suppose this is just a part of my collage. I used to see a life with her, but I used to see myself as the protector, not the protected…now, I see my family. I now know that in a “real” relationship, you’re both the protector and the protected…because love runs both ways…
As I said, I do wish her well…I’m not so sure whether she reads this, and I rather don’t care…it’s all water under the bridge now.