May 28th, 2003
it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood…yeah right…i swear i’m forgetting what it feels like to have sun…or for that matter, summer. i swear, when i start summer classes, there should be a heat index or something…otherwise, it just feels funny. it was suggested this weekend that i break out the heat lamps for my turtle, make my foil reflector, and just sun myself that way…afterall, it works for the damn turtles…
so, here i am…in classes…again. i’ve got homework, term papers, presentations, blah blah blah. did i mention i didn’t miss this?! but alas, i have to do it…so i am. going to class, taking notes…and doing work. go me.
but in the mean time, i also have to work…so…off to helping users i go…
steph
May 20th, 2003
running. breath in shallow gasps. frantic glances over my shoulder. fear pounding with every beat of my heart. blood rushing in my ears, thunderous. i can hear everything, every movement. darkness looms and i’m lost. hands out-stretched, searching for…anything…a clue, a light, an inkling of an idea. nothing comes.
can’t see. stumbling. they’re catching up. must go. must run. must hide. fuck where the hell am i going?! where…damn…fuck…i need a place to hide!!
they’re gaining. faster. running. scent of fear pungent in the air. sweat beading. droplets fall. shirt soaked. coppery taste. is that blood? doesn’t matter. must keep running. no time left. gotta run. gotta…oh god, they’re here.
i sat up. panting. cold sweat soaked through my shirt. frantic screams caught in my throat. gripping my comforter, which surprisingly is offering no comfort. taste of blood still fresh from the droplets not yet dried on my lips. eyes darting around the darkness illuminated only with what light came through the drawn shades. i’m in my room. in the house of the chromosome doners. this hasn’t been home in a while. home…well, home is a bit far away at the moment. and it’s where my heart is. gingerly i lay myself back down onto the bed, knowing sleep will elude me now. and i thought of the future…the possibilities…the laughter and heartache ahead.
fuck i hate nightmares.
May 19th, 2003
pressure
claustrophobic
closing
strangled
fighting
struggle
imploding
rage
fire
hunger
need
want
have
exploding
silence
breathe
*****************
took some time this weekend to sort through some stuff…still more to go through, but for now, i’m feeling more at peace…breath comes easier, thoughts less violent. still somewhat empty…but i’m struggling to fill the void with some help…
steph
May 16th, 2003
into each life, a little rain must fall…so, did anyone mention anything about the torrential downpours?! but i suppose that’s balanced out with the whole rainbow theory…and how appropo too…cause, you know…hello, rainbow…gay now…*grin* okay…i think i’m too obsessed with buffy…that was just something willow would say…or actually said. *shakes head*
anyway…what’s new in my life…well, i made two new friends (yay, go me!) - and the awesome thing is that they live a whole…8 miles away from my new place…we’ve all been spending insane amounts of time together. i pretty much hang at their place for the weekend…friday afternoons i pack my bags and i’m out until sunday night…it’s nice to have friends that you can just sit in comfortable silence with…or drive around insanely…lex drives worse than i do…and if you know my driving, you know how crazy that is. she makes me look like a grandma behind the wheels. funny thing is that katy doesn’t drive at all…well, actually she does, but it’s scary too…in a different way. since she’s not used to being behind the wheel, she’s super cautious…waaayyy too cautious. i thought we were going to be mooshed on kennedy. finally i just took the keys and drove…this way, it ensured me not getting killed. *shakes head*. hmm…i’m not sure they read this…hee hee…that means i can talk about them all i want!! *evil laugh* …nah…too much effort there.
so the long awaited summer is finally on its way…although you’d never know it with the damn fuckin weather. i’ve got a vaca coming up in the beginning of june…catskills for 5 days. okay, so it’s for a buffy convention (please note: I’M NOT OBSESSED!!) but it’s in the middle of nowhere catskills, the nearest pizza place is like 10 miles away or something. going with katy and lex so it should definitely be a blast…we’ll be relaxing while meeting the random people we watch on tv religiously every tuesday night. i’ll get to meet some people i’ve been talking with ol too…which can be a good thing if they turn out to be not psycho. i think i’ve met my psycho quota for the year already so i’m looking forward to normality.
blah blah blah…i think i’ve babbled enough for now…maybe i’ll add more later?
steph
May 1st, 2003
life’s becoming more complicated…i suppose that’s the price you pay for growing up. sometimes i still feel like there’s someone out there that’ll find out that i’m really a kid playing adult…in the grownup job, driving a grownup car…blah blah blah.
so maybe i’m feeling cagey…feeling like breathing is becoming an issue…like i’m trying to grasp all the answers, without knowing all of the questions…which as you can imagine is not simple. lately i feel like i need to push myself to the point of exhaustion before i lay down and succumb to sleep…although that simple fact is becoming increasingly difficult. homelife isn’t exactly the peachiest either…is that a word? peachiest? blech. enough about homelife…parents should be seen and not heard…or at least i with my parents were like that…oh well, whatever…no biggie…nothing i’ve not lived through thus far…