April 29th, 2003
cagey…wanting something but never knowing what exactly it is…always wanting more, never enough. when is it enough, when it it too much. questions swirl, answers never to be found. restless…pacing…animalistic. need to hunt, need to prowl, need to be hunted, need to submit, need to dominate.
taste of the score, need for the game…life a never ending cycle…weight of the world crashing down. unable to breathe, unable to think, unable to speak. how can life be sustained this way, mere survival, living just a fantasy. hands grapple with unexplained darkness, feeling for familiarity that doesn’t exist. something, there has to be something, oh god, please…
guess what, the map of life is wrong…welcome to uncharted territory. keep your hands and feet inside the ride, but even if you do, this ride will fuck you up. welcome to the nightmare you’ll never wake from…welcome to the hell you’ve created…
*****
a little depressing? yeah…just read something and this is the direct emotional response. laterz…
steph
April 27th, 2003
ever wonder where saturday and sunday seems to go when you realize that you have to go to work on monday? then it’s another 5 days until you can breathe easier…with no work hanging over your head. *sigh* - anyway…had a pretty good weekend…hung out with a couple of new friends that i’ve met, and just had a very chill time. although it would seem that i’ve picked up some sort of accent during the weekend…now i’m all about saying “aiiight” and other words of the like. oh well…price i have to pay to have a good time. glad to finally have found people to hang out with though. especially ones that make me laugh so hard, i’m pissing my pants.
it’s a novel idea…having friends that i hang out with so much…and enjoy it…trish is okay with it…i suppose…it’s a little different that i’m not home with her all the time…but like all things, it get some gettings used to? *shrug*
oh well…that’s all for now i suppose…trust is a strange thing isn’t it…it’s never 100%.
steph
April 16th, 2003
wow…check this out…sitting outside, it’s absolutely beautiful, a nice balmy 83 degrees, sun shining, birds are going nuts chirping…and again…i’m sitting OUTSIDE!!! hasn’t been such a bad day so far, but then again, it’s not over. work was busy, but manageable…although, right now…i’m being attacked by ants. there are like a million of them just running around….they look so lost. kinda makes me want to reflect on life but i’m not gonna, too nice out for me to be all deep and shit…so i’ll just settle for the ants look lost.
okay…the beauty of the moment was just spoiled by the damn plane flying by…
ooh!! so apparently my choice in colors for the walls are not satisfactory by my friends’ standards. i liked lavender…but apparently that was too barbie-ish…i mean…c’mon…barbie liked pink…not lavender…but alas, i’ll come up with another color. trish believed that yellow and red shoudl be on the walls (in different rooms of course) personally, i can’t stand red…and i dont’ want to use the edison high school colors. if anything…green and gold…at least pay homage to my hs alma mater.
so i’m girlie…even my gf tells me that…i’ll admit it…i’ll own up to it…*stands up proudly* i’m girlie…hear me roar!!
hee hee…on that note…i’m out…dinner time…
steph
April 8th, 2003
well, after 2 days of battling a fever, aches, chills, and nausea…i’m back at work…wanna talk about dedicated worker that i am?! so now i’m here…still a bit nauseas, fever a lot lower…still sort of achy and no chills other than the one that comes along with being in almost freezing temperature. i swear people believe i have SARS…okay okay…so the first night, the symptoms are sort of there…but…i’m okay…and nobody believes me…least of all my girlfriend (yes ladies and gentlemen, i said girlfriend…i have one of those…cute too!). not that anyone reading this doesn’t know i’m gay…or that i’ve got a gf…anyway…
so i’m sitting here at work…meeting at 930 and getting to be reamed out by my boss…which is always fun…i walked into work this morning and thought i walked into a warehouse. i’ve got a million boxes…laptops, desktops, printers…and speakers coming out the wazoo! if i can ebay this stuff, i can definitely go on some nice vaca! but alas…i’m dedicated…and loyal…and whatever…oh yeah, i can’t quite explain away all the missing inventory! damn…gotta come up with something there…
anyway…not much else happeing…i’ve managed to keep one meal from repeating…hopefully that’s a sign of good things to come…okay…that’s all for now…
steph
April 2nd, 2003
“Three lesbian vampires walk into a bar . The first lesbian vampire walks up to the bar and asks for a pint of blood , the bartender gets the drink and the first lesbian vampire walks off , then comes the second lesbian vampire , “half a blood and lime please” she asks , the bartender gets the drink and then she’s off , then comes the third lesbian vampire she asks the bartender for a glass of water , the bartender replies “what no blood???” , she then produces a used tampon and says “no i’m making tea!!!!!”"
hahahaha…just thought i’d start with that joke…god my sense of humor is sick sometimes…anyway, today’s turning out to be not so bad (yeah, now that i jinxed myself) - came in this morning, got my tea, got some breakfast, not such a busy morning…well, it actually probably should be, but i’m ignoring all my calls.
anyway…nothing much is happening in the way of life…nightmares continue and they vary in intensity from night to night…some nights it’s almost laughable what my brain cooks up. in any case, got a couple people analyzing my dreams, and my explanations. glad to know i’m not really insane…just reacting to my surroundings a little more drastically than most.
what else..oh yeah, btw, if i talked to you at some point today, you’ve heard the joke above..sorry, i had to share…anyway that’s all for now i suppose…ooh!! wait, exciting news…i might not have to pay for the kitchen cabinets…the seller actually said he’d replace them…so woohoo for me!!
steph