so it’s saturday…and today, it was the first real step towards owning my home. i got the apartment inspected. completely…cool thing about it is that apparently my apartment is in pretty good shape. so a few things need to be replaced or fixed…but you know what, no place is perfect. now comes the task of trying to find a place for my car. not an easy feat in JC i assure you. anyway, the dude tells me the place is in remarkably good shape for having been a rental for the longest time…so for that i suppose i’m grateful. now i’ve gotta make a list of all the things that are wrong and figure out how much i’m going to have to spend to fix the place to be my “dream home” - well, i mean i suppose it’s already my dream home…god damn, look at me…home owner steph.
i think i may have figured out why i’m having nightmares…or rather, this round of nightmares…in a few months, i’ll be moving on out of my house. and i look around, and i realize that this is a place i called home for the last 15 years of my life. it’s more than scary i suppose to be doing such a big move. i mean, college was one thing…you move out, you move back, you know that you’re going to be coming home eventually. but now i’m moving into my own home…a place to build my own memories…and honestly, i’m scared to no end. a million “what if’s” - what if i fuck up and lose my job, what if i fuck up and end up moving back home…what if…there’s all sorts questions going through my head. or maybe…well, maybe there’s something else that’s plaguing me. i’m not sure if i’m going insane…well, i probably am…been teetering on the brink of insanity for ages now…sometimes i feel like i’m invincible, top of the world…and i can take on anything…then there are times when i want to scream for the world to stop and just let me take a breather. but alas, the world doesn’t work that way…
*shrug*
steph