March 29th, 2003

so it’s saturday…and today, it was the first real step towards owning my home. i got the apartment inspected. completely…cool thing about it is that apparently my apartment is in pretty good shape. so a few things need to be replaced or fixed…but you know what, no place is perfect. now comes the task of trying to find a place for my car. not an easy feat in JC i assure you. anyway, the dude tells me the place is in remarkably good shape for having been a rental for the longest time…so for that i suppose i’m grateful. now i’ve gotta make a list of all the things that are wrong and figure out how much i’m going to have to spend to fix the place to be my “dream home” - well, i mean i suppose it’s already my dream home…god damn, look at me…home owner steph.

i think i may have figured out why i’m having nightmares…or rather, this round of nightmares…in a few months, i’ll be moving on out of my house. and i look around, and i realize that this is a place i called home for the last 15 years of my life. it’s more than scary i suppose to be doing such a big move. i mean, college was one thing…you move out, you move back, you know that you’re going to be coming home eventually. but now i’m moving into my own home…a place to build my own memories…and honestly, i’m scared to no end. a million “what if’s” - what if i fuck up and lose my job, what if i fuck up and end up moving back home…what if…there’s all sorts questions going through my head. or maybe…well, maybe there’s something else that’s plaguing me. i’m not sure if i’m going insane…well, i probably am…been teetering on the brink of insanity for ages now…sometimes i feel like i’m invincible, top of the world…and i can take on anything…then there are times when i want to scream for the world to stop and just let me take a breather. but alas, the world doesn’t work that way…

*shrug*

steph

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 29th, 2003 at 9:22 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

3 Responses to “typical saturday…”

Alan Says:

Hey Steph,

Browsing over Dave’s site and came across your site and came upon this entry, just felt I had to write. So how have you been stranger, moving to your own house, eh? And I used to think that I was old. And moving to chilltown (JC) no less…hehe you will like JC, it has its own unique flavor…with both of my best friends from there…you learn to appreciate it…sometimes…

As to being scared thats normal, you are leaving the comfort and security of your home nest and venturing out into the unknown. Getting a house is another step into adulthood, the biggest is having a kid, but we won’t even touch that subject. As to all these “What If” questions, just more cogs to be added to our complex mechanism of life. And yes life does/and will continue to be more complex and suck, as dave puts it, moose cock. Bye bye relatively carefree life, hello worrying-away-the-rest-of-my-life.
Its like entering college for the first time, a new adventure, but one with consequences.

Getting and living in a new house creates fears (heck it’s a BIG responsibility), fear of managing it, fear that I am way over my head, fear in what if I lose my job and can’t pay the mortgage. When we have these fears, our imaginations take over, and what do we do, we imagine the worse case scenario. Lets say something does happen to the house (knock on wood), you will always have your family and friends to help you in whatever scenario. No matter how bad it can be at least you will always have those people in your life to fall back upon. But in your nightmares you are losing your friends and family, now I don’t know about you, but that is one of the worse things that could ever happen to a person. To be alone…that’s one thing I would not wish on anybody …to be by yourself…truly is a nightmare.

But cheer up that not going to happen and your friends and family should conk you over the head for thinking of such thoughts…and yes these thoughts are normal, its how you deal with them.

So what to do, move in the house and deal with the problems as they come (if the come), learn from them, and find out that they aren’t that bad as you imagine them to be. It’s a part of life and as much as we want to stay in security of our youth, life goes on.

Sorry for the long winded comment, but this scenario sort of hit close to home, different subject matter but same plot, just all these fears that keep popping. With the poor economy, war, and terrorism on top of getting a house will make anyone collapse from all the worrying/unknowns. C’st la vie…

Aimee Says:

hee, i second everything he just said. :D
aimlet

BigBUm69 Says:

Hello Little One

you know..i was thinking, if you made the whole intire house yellow i think it would reduce your fears/nightmares by 727% percent..but thats just me..
love you
~holeinsock~

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