You… OFF MY PLANET!

so it’s saturday…and today, it was the first real step towards owning my home. i got the apartment inspected. completely…cool thing about it is that apparently my apartment is in pretty good shape. so a few things need to be replaced or fixed…but you know what, no place is perfect. now comes the task of trying to find a place for my car. not an easy feat in JC i assure you. anyway, the dude tells me the place is in remarkably good shape for having been a rental for the longest time…so for that i suppose i’m grateful. now i’ve gotta make a list of all the things that are wrong and figure out how much i’m going to have to spend to fix the place to be my “dream home” - well, i mean i suppose it’s already my dream home…god damn, look at me…home owner steph.

i think i may have figured out why i’m having nightmares…or rather, this round of nightmares…in a few months, i’ll be moving on out of my house. and i look around, and i realize that this is a place i called home for the last 15 years of my life. it’s more than scary i suppose to be doing such a big move. i mean, college was one thing…you move out, you move back, you know that you’re going to be coming home eventually. but now i’m moving into my own home…a place to build my own memories…and honestly, i’m scared to no end. a million “what if’s” - what if i fuck up and lose my job, what if i fuck up and end up moving back home…what if…there’s all sorts questions going through my head. or maybe…well, maybe there’s something else that’s plaguing me. i’m not sure if i’m going insane…well, i probably am…been teetering on the brink of insanity for ages now…sometimes i feel like i’m invincible, top of the world…and i can take on anything…then there are times when i want to scream for the world to stop and just let me take a breather. but alas, the world doesn’t work that way…

*shrug*

steph

having nightmares lately…same ones i’ve always had…somehow, they went away and took a vacation for a while…and now, they’ve returned…with a vengence. can i tell you waht they are? no, not really. just that i do a lot of running…a lot of screaming…whether out of fear or anger or desperation i can’t tell you. people are running away from me…those i love, those i cherish…until one by one they’re gone…and eventually i’m left alone. and i wake with a jolt, sweat-soaked, the scream still caught in my throat…my heart pounding and i’m confused for the first few seconds before realizing i’m in the safety of my own room, confined in a space that i’ve occupied for the last 14 years.

i wish i knew what was causing all of this…but i don’t…and i suppose i’m adopting my usual “if i ignore it, it’ll go away” attitude…hopefully it’ll work. other from that, work’s been keeping me busy…life is put on hold…*shrug* whatever…

so i was trying to config and install a user’s laptop today in his office. he happened to have cspan on…a california representative duncan hunter was speaking…about how we should disarm iraq of their weapons of mass destruction, and iraq should be a free nation. i chuckled to myself…and questioned, don’t we, the good ol’ us of a have weapons of mass destruction? and didn’t we use it…years ago, blew up not one, but two cities in japan…just to show that we have a bigger…ummm…dick? of course, there’s never anyone to say that is there? so, as people start dying overseas, we are still oblivious…cause you know what, no one’s dying around here are they? our city streets are not littered with bodies, our night skies are not lit up with anti-aircraft missiles…and our streets are not lined with soldiers from countries that do not understand our culture but is determined to change our ways.

it’s storming outside…the sky just opened up essentially. it’s as if someone up there is crying for us, crying for humanity, our stupidity, our cruelty, our ignorance. except all the tears in the world wouldn’t do a bit of difference…there’s no one listening. so the rain stops, as if on cue as i said that…maybe realizing i was right? wow, how self-righteous…like the rain would listen to me…interesting thought though isn’t it?

on a happier note, it’s friday…and i’ve nothing planned all weekend except do a bit of furniture shopping, seeing that my tax returns has come in. so…*does a little dance for money* - my house may just be furnished afterall…see, i’m going for a “less is more” effect…cause i ain’t got no more to get more…*grin*

well, happy weekend everyone who reads this…*tips some imaginery hat*

steph

so whatever the reason that the monkey used to justify him moving thousands and thousands of troops over to the middle east, it’s worked. the war is on. so far, he’s called for a country to lay down their arms and not protect their leader (and i would love to see the reaction if the table was reversed), and told the united states there are a 35 country coaition that’s supporting this war. okay…35 countries…not all of them decided to “publicly” support the effort. why would you not want to publicly support a war? hmmm…let’s ponder this point…ummm…’CAUSE EVEN THE SUPPORTERS KNOW IT’S A STUPID WAR TO BE GETTING INTO?! don’t know…perhaps.

according to cnn this morning, “U.S. targets private home, other targets near Baghdad in “decapitation” strike aimed at Saddam, other leaders” - so what does this mean? did we just send in our tax-dollar trained troops thousands of miles away from home as bounty hunters, breaking down doors to frightened citizens’ houses in hopes that saddam will be hiding out under some dude’s bed?! - cause you know,

just picture this…as special forces close in on a little house in the middle of the desert, kicking down the door in their oh-so-cool black gear complete with bank-robber type masks under their gas masks, sounding like a team of demented darth vaders:

“ALL CLEAR IN THE LIVINGROOM!!”
“ALL CLEAR IN THE KITCHEN…OOH!! THEY HAVE DINNER ON!”
“ALL CLEAR IN THE BED…WAIT!! LOOKY BOYS WHAT I FOUND!!”

and cnn will swoop in (as they are always for some odd reason in recent years right in the middle of any conflict bring the folks back home live coverage of the events) - the camera will zoom-in to where now a team of soldiers are aiming their oh-so-sophisticated weapons at the bed, and a frighted saddam will crawl out from under there, muttering under his breath, “damn, i was never good at this hide and seek shit…”

in addition, we’ve sent about 1000 soldiers into afghanistan…everyone carrying a picture of osama according to a picture published on cnn…hmmm…and here i thought that unless you lived in a cave, you’d know what this man looks like and if you live in a cave…well, then you’re probably his neighbor anyway…so for 2 years we’ve seen this man’s image flash across every media outlet…and yet, our soldiers still carry a picture of him around…are we figuring our soldiers are that stupid?

seriously though…anyone who knows me knows that i’m completely against this war, i think it’s fought with ulterior motives that our monkey…err, i mean our president won’t disclose to us. he’s continuing a war that his father started more than a decade ago, and as much as i envy the close relationship they have…it’s not the way to run a country. for 3 years now, we’ve had to endure his random rantings and inane speeches, and felt embarassed and sorry for him as he made those speeches. to this day i question the validity of his election to office…but that’s a whole other story.

by all means, i’m not saying something shouldn’t be done…the middle east is a mess, but is it our mess to clean up? why is it that the united states feel the need to go into these countries and fight? are we that egotistical to think that the us is the almighty? do we believe in that manifest destiny crap that much?! i guess so, since we’re fighting for democracy… and might i add, against the advisment of the security council. in vietnam, we got our asses kicked, then kicked out. us soldiers left a legacy of prostitution, rape, lots and lots of VD, and half-breed babies, while the other occupying force (france) left some of their culture along with the other stuff…okay, not the best thing, but better. in south america, it’s the same…when do we learn?

sorry, just had to rant…saddam = not good…fine…let’s send in the army, have innocent people killed…all in the name of democracy…good one prez. good luck catching the dude…maybe you wanna check under the beds too…ooh, maybe he’ll be hiding out next to osama…find one, find the other…get yourself re-elected, cause, well, that’s what it’s about isn’t it, letting the world know there’s a new sheriff in town…right…

steph

edited to add:click here for michael moore’s letter to the president. personally i find it absolutely hilarious with sad truths embedded. and after you read it, ask yourself the same question bill maher posed: how bad do you have to suck to lose a populatrity contest against saddam?!!

well, please let my lung know that this is an unauthorized vacation that it’s taking with my liver. i swear i’ve coughed it up in the last few days…nothing like seeing it flopping it around on your floor to make you want to take meds to get better. oh well…*takes another shot of robotussin*

i don’t think there’s a whole lot going on with my life…my friends are all scattered around the world at the moment…as for me, well, i’m haning out here, in good ol NJ, and trying to save money for my house, for my furniture. so i’ve got no extra money to bum around with…well, there’s also the possibility of a return trip to canada in july for a week of outdoorsy type fun…no, get your minds out of the gutter, i’m just in for a week of camping in tent like structures. yeah, tents…with bugs, and a camp fires…hopefully no singing…can’t deal with the whole bonding around the fire stuff.

god my life is so pathetically monotonous…well, there are little sparks daily…and hopefully sparks will turn into a fire…for all i care it could be a raging forest fire. just fyi on my friday night…i’m in the livingroom bonding with my mom watching “save the last dance” and my mother is attempting to dance to reggae…*looks up at mom and wonders what she’s thinking* - god i need new friends… ooh!! i just thought of it…i’m home on friday night cause i’m sick…yup…that’s it…

funny thing…my mom asked me today whether i was thinking of getting a boyfriend…you know, casual lilke i can just go into the store and pick one up in the produce aisle right along side the carrots and cilantro. i wonder if they come in the organic variety? lol…anywho…told my mom that i just didn’t want one…she then asked the question…it’s the one i’m sure my parents ask all the time…but never really voice. and if you dont’ know what question is that…well, ask me, and i’ll let you know…for now, i’m off to watch the movie that i own…and have seen a million times…not to mention watching my mother dance…

later…

wow…i’m actually alive…*pats self on the head* - hmmm…yup…still here. sorry i haven’t written in a while…it’s been a very hectic month for me. did lots of flying…came to the conclusion that airlines shouldn’t bother making up an itinerary…you know…WHY BOTHER WHEN YOU DON’T INTEND TO ARRIVE ON TIME ANYWAY!?? - flew 5 different airlines…and none of them got to the destination on time!!!! in any case…taiwan was great…incredible in fact. shopped for hours in a day…then i would hang out and eat…and drink. i think my grandmother thought i was too skinny or something…kept feeding me…sheesh…

okay, so i ended up in canada…you won’t believe the temperature…it’s fuckin cold! -35c…that’s…*does calculations in my head* - oh screw it…i have no idea what that is in fahrenheit, but whatever. it was damn cold. i swear i flash froze everytime i walked out the door…but thanks to trish, i had a great time…*gives trish a big hug* - her family was seriously friendly…something i’m so not used to…and check it out, i learned to play cards…rummy i believe it is. i was always attacked by two dogs (not literally, although one of the dogs seem to have taken a liking to my ass - he kept licking it!)

went to west edmonton mall and had a very good time just shopping. the mall was soooooo huge. saw a dolphin show right in the center of the mall, there was an amusement park, submarine rides, stores coming out the wazoo!! anyway, met up with one of trish’s friends, and we had dinner at the mall before dropping off the girl at home. now for the fun part…while driving home, the car in front of me kicked up so much snow it ended up blinding me…so i slowed down…the next thing i know, i see the brake light of the same moron…i slam on my brakes, thereby swerving my truck, and unfortunately ended up in the track of the stupid idiot…i must have missed the car by mere inches (according to trish, who was sleeping at the time of the incident - talk about a rude awakening) - anyway, i finally came to a stop…albeit in a huge ditch of snow…and about a foot from the oncoming traffic lane…on a highway no less. just to put into perspective, trish tried to get out of the car by her door…couldn’t do it cause the snow was up to about half the door, and we were in a buick rendez-vous!!! - anyway, trish had to climb out the back door on the driver side (very carefully, she would like to add) to check on the other dude to make sure he didn’t have a heart attack or something. well, here comes the kicker…the fucker was drunk off his ass…he stumbled out of his car, fell into the snow, and found the entire situation hilarious. shit, i’m glad he didn’t kill us…and that it was too cold for me to go outside and kick his fucking ass. the cops came eventually…and arrested the moron. i hear that a DUI = license suspension. so that’s one good thing. anyway, we had to get a tow truck to get us out of this ditch…which they did, by literally lifting the entire truck out of the snow…while trish and i were still in it. if it wasn’t for all the crap initally, i would’ve found the situation all sorts of cool. yeah, trish’s parents didn’t want us driving at night after that…*grin*

but all in all…it was a great time…and i can’t wait to head back out there again…just hopefully in warmer weather this time…perhaps the summer? *thinks about it and starts planning*

well, this is turning out to be a super long entry and it’s getting late…so i think i’m going to sign off for now…and probably add more in the days to come as memories come back to me…

night all…

steph