April 22nd, 2011 | No Comments »

i’m exhausted. body, mind, spirit. i’m not sure how much i have left…if i have anything left in my tank. i’m not sure how much more i can do…how much more i can take.

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February 15th, 2011 | No Comments »

She’s gone. These two words will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I woke unexpectedly in the early morning, without provocation, without incident. I looked over at the clock, and it read 1:15am. I lay back down and waited for sleep to take me again, knowing I had an extremely early flight to catch, and wondering why I had sprang up in the first place. Fifteen minutes later, just as I was starting to feel tired again, the phone rang. It was my father. He said simply, she’s gone. I understood in that instant, it was my grandmother who had woken me, and in her way, told me goodbye. Can I explain it any better, probably not.

I gave up on sleep soon after that, and sat in the living room, with the television on low, trying to gather every piece of memory I had of her. I remember laying down on the living room floor when I was just a child, and she would tell me stories. Some she grew up with, and some she would make up as she went along, but all of them kept me enraptured because it was the best narrative ever. I remembered how my cousins and even my brother resented me because she never made it a secret that I was her favorite grandchild. I remember she would gather me in her arms, after a morning of chores cleaning the house, and I would lay in that embrace, inhaling her scent. Her scent is the most private memory I have, and it’s one I will never let go. Ask me on a good day, and I might tell you what it is. And no, it’s not a perfume. I might not have gotten the longest time with her, but I truly believe I got the best of her. All the little things started coming to mind, her smiles, her gestures, her inability to annunciate certain words because of her Japanese background. Each memory became a reason for me to smile, and for me to shed a tear. She was my world as a child, she was the one constant I counted on, and she was the only one I never wanted to disappoint. Now that she’s gone, I am slightly lost, but I know what I’m feeling isn’t anywhere near what my grandfather is feeling.

I endured the 16 hour flight, drowned in memories, and finally arrived a little too late. And as I sat there, next to her alter, I cried quietly, as it was well past midnight, and the house was silent. After an hour, I felt a strange calm. I felt her, as if she was sitting by me, and I talked to her just like I would if she was truly sitting next to me. In a while, I knew she heard everything I wanted to say, and she was okay with it all. As I looked at her picture, I could almost detect a smile, one that I knew so well, and I smiled in return. I savored that moment of intimacy, and I tucked it away with the others that I was sure to cherish for the rest of my life. I may still tear, I may still cry, but I will also know that the soul wrench despair and sadness is no longer. She’ll never be far from me, as long as I keep her memory fresh. She’ll never be far from me, as long as I perpetuate her stories, she’ll never fade.

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February 15th, 2011 | No Comments »

what a year does brings. a new job, a new family member, a new challenge, and a painful goodbye. parts of me are still missing and the wound still bleeds fresh. precariously i avoid the wound, and then it unexpectedly hits me. the memories, the sensory overload.

when…will it be normal again

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March 21st, 2010 | No Comments »

every year i step onto the land where i was born, and i feel a familiar sense of “home”. everything so familiar, and so easy to acclimate. i thrive, possibly because i am on vacation mode…with no actualization of the real day to day. yet, a short 13 hour flight later, as i walk through the gates by the immigration officer, and hear the words “welcome home”, i feel an odd sense of joy and the anticipation of walking back into familiar routines.

upon my return to my daily routine, i find myself reflecting on a very simple concept: who am i.

i no longer know the definition of fundamental concepts, such as me…and on most days, i am not quite sure where i belong. i live with an everpresent fear of not fitting in but i know there are those who love me, who care for me because of me, because of who i am, and not who i project. oddly, these same people are not my kin. i hide my true self from those who claim to love me most, because their love would require me to wear shackles i’ve learned to shed.

perhaps more of my mindless mumblings to come later…

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February 25th, 2009 | 1 Comment »

there are days i feel like an alien in a very human body. i play at human emotion, seek out human companionship…and yet, i feel like i never belong. rarely do i think someone sees me…truly sees me for the person that i might be, and the person i want to be…

the noises that are rattling in my head…does it make me…disturbed?

~ciao

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January 19th, 2009 | No Comments »

title pretty much says it all… =)

i don’t think i’ve stopped eating since i got off the plane…interesting thing is that i don’t think i’ve gained any weight either…probably because to get to the food…you’ve got to do this massive walking thing…lol…

will write more later…

ciao

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January 1st, 2009 | No Comments »

may this year see you and yours happy, healthy, and prosperous…

here’s to waving goodbye to a 2008 wrought with more downs than ups, and hoping the new year that will bring us more ups than downs…

~ciao

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